What does bdsm stand for and what is its history

BDSM

Romance novels are nothing new, but in 2011 50 Shades of Grey hot the shelves and became one of the most popular and viral romance novels of all time. The book and author E.L. James became the most talked about, watched, and read topics of the year. Why all the hype? We like to think it had a little to do with the introduction of BDSM to readers, listeners, and fans of all kinds.

Everyone has an opinion, and many have strong opinions about sex, what it should or shouldn’t look like, who should do it, when and where they should do it and so many other buffers and judgments. Truth be told, the book 50 Shades of Grey allowed a sexual subculture to emerge as trendy and true for anyone who is looking for a little extra sexual play in their lives.

So, what is BDSM and why has there been so much hype around the topic? Is it really everything people make it out to be? Read on and get more insight into the sexual practice, what it is and how you can implement it in the bedroom for an out of this world sexual experience.

What is BDSM and what does it stand for?

BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism or bondage, dominant, submissive as the terms are interchangeable. Those who practice BDSM on any level will be the first to say that BDSM is represented in pop culture and even some porn as very different than it is in real life. For those who practice BDSM, it is consensual sex that is safe and fun while also pushing boundaries and pleasure for both partners. Truly, there is nothing boring about BDSM.

Bondage is representative of the tools, toys or applications used during consensual, role-play sex. Bondage types can include rope, blindfolds, handcuffs, restraints, leashes, chokers, tape and many other toys and tools for sexual pleasure. One partner is in bondage while the other is referred to as the dominant. In a bondage scenario, the submissive partner is the one who is bound.

Dominant can refer to the person who is facilitating a dominant experience or the person who is being dominated. Both dominant and dominated receive sexual pleasure out of being dominated or being the dominator. A dominant person has the characteristic of being superior. For a  man, the dominant is referred to as a Dom and a female is referred to as a Domme.

Submissive refers to the partner who is not the dominant and receiving pleasure from the Dom or Domme. Depending on the degree to which a couple is practicing BDSM a sub could be bound or restrained while receiving pleasure.

The “SM” in BDSM can also apply to the term sadomasochism or the giving and receiving pleasure stemming from acts of humiliation from one partner to another. Sadomasochism can vary in degree of humiliation or pain from whipping or mimicking one partner being a sex slave to the other. Partners may have fixed SM roles of being fluid with exchanging dominant and submissive in a sadomasochistic relationship or partnership.

The history of BDSM

It isn’t easy to pinpoint the earliest of early BDSM practices because, I’m sure even in the days of cavemen and women there was some pleasing hair pulling and rough play enjoyed by both parties, but some of the earliest literature dates back to the Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) who was a man who lived in France and was labeled as both an aristocrat, writer, philosopher and founder of libertine sexuality representing erotic sex with a sadomasochist undertones and describing violent (at the time) sexual positions, scenes, stories of erotic sex and more.

At the time his depiction of libertine sex landed him not only in jail but also in an insane asylum for most of his life. His work showed illustrations of women being tied up, group sex and erotic BDSM practices that are still used today.

But LONG before Marquis de Sade, there were cultures who practiced group, erotic and BDSM sex that can be seen in sculptures, in temples, in the good books of the kama sutra and more. One massive archeological dig not long ago unearthed (literally) evidence that BDSM existed in the early Mesopotamia (4000-3100 BCE) with ritualistic ceremonies around sex, dom and sub roles, pain and pleasure tones and even cross-dressing!

Some of the freakiest of freaks were found in Greece and Rome as early as the 5th century BCE were whipping, flogging, gagging and blindfolding were not abnormal sexual practices to those who had money, lots of wine and of course very fancy and clothless dinner parties. There have been countless trinkets, books, and illustrations of BDSM practices in Mesopotamia, Pompeii and of course in the East where kama sutra was a fundamental way to have mind-blowing sex for centuries and still going hard today!

Kama Sutra is one of the most ancient Sanskrit practices of sex where men and women equally and together as a group partake in wild, creative and meditative sex with one another or as a group. Literature has shown that not only did those who practiced kama sutra have unique, bendy and controlled breathing sex, they also incorporated BDSM. Some texts even suggest that only women who enjoy the acts that went into whipping or flogging should be asked to participate. Showing some consensual sex right from the get-go! We love you Kama Sutra!

Who is BDSM for?

At the end of the day, BDSM is for everyone. From 5th century (and probably earlier) on, men and women have willingly participated in BDSM sex for their personal enjoyment and for the sexual enjoyment of their partner or partners. There are so many different and varying ways to enjoy BDSM, the most important characteristic is having a conversation with your partner to see what you want to do, how you want to do it and how far you want to go. Open, honest communication is important in any relationship and should always be practiced when risk, edge forward or kink sex is at hand.

For more blogs about BDSM and sex as a whole, read more of our blogs on We See You and let us know what you like and want to see more of. Have fun, be safe, and enjoy yourselves!

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What Is Sadism and Masochism?

Sexy couple play in love games - Sadism and Masochism

Even in the accepting and tolerant world of sexual exploration and kink, certain realms are rife with misconceptions and stereotypes.   Of these kinks and alternative sexual appetites, perhaps none is more cringe-inducing for the mildly curious than the shadowy world of BDSM, sadism, and masochism.

There is no small amount of stigma that surrounds the practitioners of pain play, and de-stigmatizing the behavior is something that happens automatically with a little education. This article will illuminate the darker corners of the dungeons where those who get turned on by the thrill of pain and punishment congregate to act out their deepest sexual desires.

First, we will discuss the components of BDSM, and then describe in more detail the difference between sadists vs masochists.

What is BDSM and what does it stand for?

BDSM is an acronym that stands for the four main pillars of this type of sexual play: Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. The following is an outline of these facets, but keep in mind that the depths they go to far exceed the scope of this article. Everything from light spanking to the most stupendous torture qualifies.

B is for Bondage and refers to the physical act of using restraints such as ropes, handcuffs, and chains on a willing participant. Anyone with a desire to tie up, or be tied up by, their partner will recognize their interest in this feature of BDSM.

The D is for Dominance, also frequently referred to as D/S, for dominance and submission. This alludes to the elaborate play-acting of power dynamics between two sexual partners. There exists a wide variety of Dom and Sub relationships, as these power dynamics are known, ranging from traditional Master/Slave dynamics to specific sexual fantasies like DDLG (Daddy’s Dirty Little Girl) and the more rare MDLB (mommy’s dirty little boy).

guy puts the gag in girl's mouth-sadism and masochism in

Sadism and Masochism provide the S and the M, respectively. Whereas bondage and dominance are practiced by many people of varying degrees of experience with kink and can be practiced without any sexual gratification whatsoever,  these last two are a different proposition altogether.

Sexual sadism and masochism are diagnosable as sexual disorders, according to the DSM-V, the diagnostic manual for the American Psychiatric Association. Perhaps these diagnoses are part of the reason that BDSM has such a reputation in the adult world.

In fact, what distinguishes sexual sadists and masochists from “normal” people is the relationship that they have to pain. For masochists, being humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer is not a horrifying or traumatizing experience, but one that they require in order to feel sexual satisfaction. In some cases, it is literally impossible for them to achieve climax without at least a mild form of this abuse.

Sadism provides the flip side of that coin, wherein a sexual sadist can only become aroused by the physical and psychological torment of their victim, becoming excited by the pain they are inflicting.

Paramount to any proper sadomasochistic relationship is willingness and consent. When adults with preferences for sadism and masochism participate in acts of bondage, humiliation, and downright physical torture, it is the exact same, morally speaking, as vanilla missionary sex between a long-married couple.

No part of the BDSM world harbors notions that it is permissible or appropriate to involve unwilling people in hardcore kink, and anything less than informed consent constitutes harassment at best, and sexual assault at worst.

That is why a key component in a true sadist masochist relationship is trust. Prior to any sexual activity, ground rules are laid, safe words that will immediately halt all action are agreed upon, and time limits are established. This is especially important if the “victim” in the scenario will be restrained, bound or gagged past the point where they can communicate their desire to cease.

What is the difference between sadist and masochist?

A true sadomasochistic dynamic is a balance of power. While at first glance, the dominant, sadistic partner may appear to have all the power, there can be no sadism without a victim, and it has already been established that only willing victims count towards legitimate pain play. Therefore, it is vitally important to the sadist that they respect and nurture their relationship to their more submissive, masochistic partners.

In this regard, the scales actually tip back in the favor of the masochist, for they have ultimate control over how, when, and to what degree they allow themselves and the sadist to experience the thrill of their humiliation.

The terminology of BDSM refers to tops, bottoms, subs, and doms, and can be a bit of a learning curve to the uninitiated. Suffice to say that most practitioners of BDSM fall into the two defined categories, either as sadistic Tops/Doms or masochistic Subs/Bottoms. Switches, while rarer, can play both roles, and will require a partner who is also comfortable playing both sides of the sadomasochistic script.

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Everything You Need to Know about Swingers Clubs

Swingers Clubs

Relationships and sexuality have never been more of a topic of conversation and debate than they are now. Our society as a whole has shifted to a much more open-minded, nontraditional approach to the way that we engage in relationships, especially of the sexual nature. Along the lines of open-mindedness, traditional marriage and serious monogamous relationships are not the only “acceptable” forms anymore. Open relationships (non-monogamous) are becoming more and more common, especially in the younger generations and swinging, is perhaps, the most popular and best-known form. While it may seem completely wrong or immoral to have sex with someone other than your significant other but hear us out on the concept before you turn your nose up at it altogether.

Where did Swinging Start?

The first organized swinging began in the Air Force culture (of all places) towards the end of World War II as a practice of “wife-swapping” between pilots. “Key clubs” were created during this time by Air Force fighter pilots who had moved their families to live with them on the bases. These clubs consisted of social parties that once concluded, the pilots would select a set of keys out of a hat and the key’s owner would be their sexual partner for the night. The concept of sharing partners, including spouse sharing, began in these military communities but quickly started to spread throughout society. During the 1950s, organized partner swapping made its way to suburban America, wife-swapping clubs were gaining popularity. The term swingers didn’t appear until the 1970s and it quickly replaced the term of wife-swapping due to the possessiveness and one-sided, marital meaning that it carried.

Swingers Today

What started out as a group of individuals in the same profession exploring new realms of sexual relationships has turned into a flourishing subculture of non-monogamous relationships. Whether you’re single, have a friend with benefits relationship or you’ve been married for years with children, swinging is truly open to everyone. Some studies state that there are an estimated 13 million people in the United States that actively identify themselves as swingers, which means that whatever your interests, likes or fantasies are, there are partners for you. You may be asking yourself, “what is a swingers club?” There’s nothing secretive about the name, it’s an organized group of swinging individuals that plan events to enjoy their lifestyle choice.

Why Try a Swinging?

One of the prevailing thoughts about why couples or partners decide to indulge in the swinging lifestyle is that their marriage or relationship is rocky and they are looking to rekindle a flame or make the other partner happy. However, relationship experts and swinging couples alike all agree that for it to work, the relationship must be fundamentally strong, to begin with. Many decide to start exploring the world of casual sex within the swinging community because it is exciting, raw and maybe even a bit taboo with the norm of society. Couples look to spice up their sex lives or believe that sex is a recreational activity that can be thoroughly enjoyed without the attachment of feelings or the destruction of preexisting relationships. Maybe you want to explore a new type of sex or fetish but your significant partner isn’t willing, swinging can be a great option for those looking to check off sexual bucket list items and satisfy all of their needs. Whatever the reason may be for you to try and experience the swinging lifestyle, there are myths regarding the culture and several pieces of advice that can help make things go smoother and far more pleasurable for all parties involved.

Why Try a Swinging

Common Myths and Helpful Tips

Myth: Everyone is old and gross

This popular thought may come from TV shows or movies that depict old retirement communities as swinger havens but the truth is that there are active swingers of all ages, races, sexualities, and attractiveness. Depending on what you are seeking, there is a group for you. For the most part, swingers usually represent the demographics of the city that they live in (go figure!). Most swingers tend to be affluent, middle-to-upper class people that you would have no idea engaged in a wild sex life if you passed them on the street during business hours.

Myth: Swingers only swap wives

While some swinging couples with swap wives, each couple will set their own rules on what happens. Some may be “full swap” couples where each partner will have sex with either a man or woman from another couple, some may only kiss other people, 2nd or 3rd base may be the limit. The point is that each couple will have a pre-established threshold prior to any encounter starts so that expectations and outcomes are fun, pleasurable and eliminate any awkwardness that we have all experienced in high school with our first hookup attempts.

Myth: Single women don’t exist in the swinger community

False. Actually, single women are known as unicorns but not because they don’t exist (like the mythical winged horse). The reasons that single women may seek to experience the swinger lifestyle are to play with couples, enjoy some fun with other women or just to have anonymous sex with strangers in a judgment-free environment. But don’t get your hopes up guys, single women will most likely be more interested in your wife or significant other than you.

Myth: Safe sex isn’t practiced

It could be argued, very easily, that swingers tend to be much more vigilant about practicing safe sex than non-swingers. This is probably because the risk of an STI or pregnancy would ruin the tremendous amount of fun that swingers have or that the anonymity is a strong reason to practice safe sex. Regardless, swinger clubs and parties are almost always stocked with free condoms for use and are encouraged (unless you want to live on the real wild side and engage in barebacking).

Myth: Swinger clubs are just wild orgies

While each club may be different, some people think that when you walk into a swingers club, you can just strip off your clothes and walk up to the first person you see. However, swingers engage in conversation and even some courtship to get to know the other couples or people at the club. While there may be times where the conversation is skipped but most often, socializing before doing the dirty is the standard practice. Similar to a conventional bar minus the guessing of why everyone is there.

Myth: Bi-curious men don’t swing

While it will be much more common to find a bi-curious woman engaging in some playful fun or wild sex with another couple or female counterpart, some men wish to explore experiences with other men. As mentioned before, swingers clubs are a place to explore and satisfy your sexual desires.

Tip: Get to the club early

Showing up after everyone has been drinking and socializing can be stressful, even for the most charming and talkative couple. Swingers tend to pair off or group up rather quickly because everyone knows the reasons why everyone else is there. Showing up early, especially for your first time, is a must. Meet and greet with the host and bartenders, get a lay of the land (sometimes a tour will be given) and develop a plan of action with your partner well before the fun starts.

Tip: Know the lingo and culture

Understanding the terms that couples will use to describe their intentions can help clear up any uncertainty and potential uncomfortableness. “Hard swap” means that a couple wants to have full-on sex with another couple, while “soft swap” means that they will play but not go all the way. Threesome, foursome and beyond can also occur as well. The way that sex or playing usually happens in one of two ways. The first is two couples will talk, socialize and feel each other out (not physically yet), if the vibe is there, one couple will ask if they would like to play and if the other party is down for some fun, they usually will move to the part of the club or event where it’s okay to fool around. The other way that a swinging experience will start is when one couple is getting hot and heavy with each, another couple may sit down next to them looking to make eye contact or get noticed. Things will either go well and an invite to join in the fun will be extended or a polite “we’re only playing with each other” is all that is needed to decline the interest.

Tip: Don’t ruin your fun with alcohol

Sure, you may need some liquid courage to approach that hot couple at the bar or to finally try one of your fantasies but you don’t want to end up in a situation where your judgment or performance is compromised by alcohol. Keeping a level head and if you’re a man, functioning manhood, is important. Crossing lines set with your partner can become a real possibility when one too many drinks have been enjoyed.

The most important thing to remember is that everyone there is to have fun (every couple has different rules for fun). Be respectful, be open and honest with your partner and go for it!

 

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What Is Masochism?

What Is Masochism

Masochism – the word gets thrown around a lot, especially in today’s internet culture. In most cases, it’s only used as a joke, as a means to intensify a humorous situation, but in more serious contexts, it has much deeper psychological meanings. You’ve may have heard or seen it used in the first form, however, the second is that should raise concern, or at least, you should have a good grasp on what’s it all about and how to approach the term and what’s behind it.

If you’ve ever wondered about this question or didn’t really know what does masochism mean, and what sexual masochism is in particular, here’s your chance to learn everything you wanted to know but were always afraid to ask.

WHAT DO THE PROS SAY?

If you hit up professional works on the topic, the term masochist has several meanings.  Sexual Masochism is a type of paraphilia (otherwise known as a sexual disorder) within a group of recurrent fantasies, behaviors or urges that are sexually stimulating and in most cases involve physical violence, suffering, humiliation etc.

Then you have the “more common” form, which mostly defines a person who enjoys physical and/or emotional pain.

WHY?

Those who need the urge to feel pain might do it because they are ashamed of themselves for some particular reason or they might have suffered from abuse when they were young. However, with sexual masochism, it may be more about getting some kind of a “rush” out of the whole thing. Some get turned on when they are in the hands of someone else, or when they can have their way with others. The fear of getting beaten and the physical pain itself can be arousing and this may carry over into sexual arousal for some. Because of this, sexual masochism is defined as a paraphilia since it requires special circumstances or acts for people to be turned on sexually (things like pain, or in other cases, cross-dressing, latex, leather, vinyl, etc.).

SEXUAL DISORDER

SEXUAL DISORDER, REALLY?

While all paraphilias are taken seriously clinically relevant, you should hold your horses on the verdict for now. It’s safe to say that some of these disorders are harmless, it’s good to know that others can be fairly monstrous and harmful (like pedophilia).

Truth is, that as long as you can get your fix from sexual fantasies without harming yourself or anyone else in the (especially your significant other), and you’re not really bothered about your paraphilia, you have nothing to be worried about.

Although, when getting your kicks requires inflicting pain upon yourself or anyone else, or to humiliate yourself or others, that’s pretty much outside the realm of “okay” and you might want to schedule an appointment with a psychotherapist to understand the main reason behind your actions. Especially, if the masochistic behavior is a result of abusive experiences from the past. Therapy and an understanding professional, in most cases, can lend the helping hand to individuals to put their paraphilias to rest, or at least, push them back to a “more reasonable” level.

THE TAKEAWAY

All in all, sex should be fun just like living out your sexual fantasies. This means, that the sexual acts you perform remain safe to you and your partner’s health and both of you do it in a consensually. You’re “safe” as long as you don’t cause pain or harm yourself or others during your sexual adventures. If you experience otherwise, seeking out professional help may be beneficial in the long run.

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